My internal mission when I started my blog was, and is, to be transparent about my life. I never wanted to be one of those “influencers” (I hate that word) who pretends that they’ve got it together all of the time because that is not healthy for anyone. My way of achieving this is through posts like this one. They help me feel better and, hopefully, they reach people who are going through similar situations. So, here we go…
I’ve struggled with anxiety since my sophomore year of high school. When it first started, it was bad. My panic attacks were constant, and I was so scared that I would have another panic attack that my fear induced one. It was a horrible cycle. Luckily, with some therapy, I learned to recognize when I felt a panic attack coming and convince myself everything was fine, because it was! This was not an easy process, but I pushed through it and am very proud of myself for all that I overcame – even if it was all in my head.
It wasn’t until second semester of college that my anxiety started coming back. All the worries that I had kept at bay for so long suddenly were flooding out of me. I was so disappointed in myself because it felt like all of the work that I had put into overcoming my anxiety was just erased.
Anxiety is really hard to understand until you’ve really, truly experienced it, and it’s something that is really hard to explain to people. When my parents would ask me what I was so worried about, I really didn’t have a response. I still don’t know exactly how to put it into words. The best way I can explain it is basically just feeling the weight of the world weighing really heavily on you. Not to sound extremely pretentious, but it’s a kind of extensional dread. Anxiety and panic attacks can range. Some people experience this very differently. However, for me, when I start feeling anxious, I feel like I’m going to die. It’s not that I feel like I’m going to suffocate or have a heart attack or anything, but it feels like I’m just going to vanish. It’s extremely infuriating because a lot of the time when people don’t experience this, they assume this is just hormones going wild. This kind of attitude makes me feel even more alone and unsupported. A lot of my anxiety in this kind of situation stems from me worrying that I’m going to die, but the scariest part is that, lately, I haven’t really cared too much about living or dying.
I don’t think I’m depressed, per se, especially since I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose myself. For those of you wondering, yes, I have been to doctors about my anxiety. I’ve just been having a hard time feeling joy and feeling love for myself. I feel very unworthy – unworthy of being a friend, an employee, a sister, a daughter – and for some reason, it’s been really hard for me to shake this feeling. Although most of this is hereditary, I think a lot of it has to do with social media and the time that we live in. It has been hard for me to make sense of my life because I am a full participant in something that can make me so unhappy. However, it also allows me to write this post to share my feelings and pray that someone is feeling the same way. I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, right?
I’m not going to stop blogging or posting pictures on Instagram because it makes me happy to help y’all and because I truly do love fashion and beauty. However, I am making a promise to myself to not make this a focal point of my life and to stop caring so much about it. It can be an extremely creative space when used correctly, and that’s how I want to use it. I think this post is also a reminder for whoever is reading this that no one has it together all the time. Just because I like my outfit one day doesn’t mean I’m all that happy – it means I like my outfit.
I would love to start a discussion about mental health with anyone who is interested. Feel free to contact me via email, through the comments, or however you feel most comfortable.